When Help Hurts: Secondary Victimization in Online Support Communities: The Case of r/rape

The r/rape subreddit

Online communities like Reddit’s r/rape subreddit have become important spaces for survivors of sexual violence to share their experiences, seek advice, and find support. These platforms offer anonymity and a sense of community, which can be crucial for those who feel isolated or unable to speak openly in their offline lives3. However, the dynamics within these communities can sometimes lead to unintended negative consequences, particularly a phenomenon known as secondary victimization-when responses from others inadvertently cause additional distress to those seeking help.

The Diversity of Experiences and the Search for Validation

A common theme on r/rape and similar subreddits is users posting about experiences that are ambiguous or occurred long ago, often during childhood or in situations where the emotional impact was not immediately clear. Many of these posts take the form of questions such as “Was it rape?” or “Should I feel bad about what happened?” Users describe a range of experiences, from clear cases of sexual violence to childhood sexual exploration or non-consensual but non-violent encounters that did not leave lasting trauma.

For example, one user might write:

“When I was 10, another child touched me during a game. I didn’t feel bad then, and I don’t feel traumatized now, but I keep wondering-was it abuse? Was it rape?”

Another might ask:

“I was drunk and don’t remember everything, but my friends say something happened. I don’t feel like a victim, but should I?”

Community Responses: The Tendency to Dramatize

In response to such questions, many subreddit members reply with unequivocal statements:

“Yes, you were raped. It doesn’t matter how you feel about it now, it was rape.”

Or:

“That was sexual assault, and you are a survivor, whether you realize it or not.”

While these responses are often intended to validate the poster’s experience and counteract a culture of victim-blaming, they can sometimes have the opposite effect. Instead of helping users process their feelings, such definitive judgments may impose a narrative of victimhood and trauma where the individual did not previously perceive one. This can trigger new feelings of guilt, shame, or confusion, especially if the person did not originally feel harmed by the experience3.

Secondary Victimization: When Support Becomes Harmful

This dynamic is an example of secondary victimization, a well-documented phenomenon where the reactions of others-whether from law enforcement, professionals, or peers-cause additional psychological harm to victims of trauma5. In online spaces, this can occur when well-meaning community members insist on labeling ambiguous or context-dependent experiences as unequivocal “rape” or “assault,” regardless of the poster’s own feelings or the nuances of the situation.

Research shows that while online communities can offer vital support, they also risk amplifying distress if the community’s norms or responses override individual perspectives3. For example, some users express confusion or even distress when told they “must” feel a certain way about their past:

“I don’t feel like I can call it sexual assault even though the hotline and my fiancé say it was. I know men can be raped by women and I know it’s never the victim’s fault, but I can’t get myself to recognize that is true for me as well … I still feel like it’s my fault.”3

Another user might write:

“I’m really struggling because I don’t know if what he did was … really sexual assault. I feel like it was my fault because I was the one who was TRYING to get him into bed. And I didn’t do anything. And I didn’t tell him not to have sex with me when I was asleep until it happened twice.”3

In both cases, the poster is seeking nuanced discussion and support, but the community often responds with definitive, sometimes inflexible interpretations.

When Empathy Turns Into Moral Panic

There is a growing awareness in trauma-informed communities about the importance of not telling people how to feel. Yet on platforms like Reddit, where there is no formal moderation by professionals and where the culture often favors strong affirmations of identity, nuance can get lost. The r/rape subreddit’s intent to protect can slip into moral panic—especially around any form of non-consensual or ambiguous sexual experience.

The result? Posters walk away with:

• A sense of retroactive injury
• Uncertainty about whether their current lack of distress is “normal”
• Newfound shame or guilt about not having “recognized” the event as abuse before

Cultural Roots of Binary and Inflexible Interpretations in Online Communities

An important factor contributing to the prevalence of definitive and sometimes inflexible interpretations within online support communities like r/rape is cultural. About half of Reddit users are American, and a distinctive feature of American culture is a preference for rigid, simple, and binary interpretations of reality. This tendency can be traced back to the nation’s Puritan heritage, which instilled a deep moralism and a worldview sharply divided between good and evil. Over time, this legacy has fostered a cultural inclination toward clear-cut judgments and uncompromising stances, especially on issues involving morality and justice. As a result, discussions on sensitive topics often reflect a cultural backdrop that favors certainty and moral absolutism over nuance and ambiguity, shaping the dynamics of support and secondary victimization in these communities345.

The Importance of Nuanced, Individual-Centered Support

Sexual violence is a complex issue, and the legal definitions of rape and sexual assault are specific and vary by jurisdiction62. However, personal experiences of harm, trauma, and recovery are deeply individual. While it is crucial to validate those who feel harmed and to counteract victim-blaming attitudes4, it is equally important not to impose a narrative of victimhood or trauma on those who do not identify with it.

Best practices in trauma-informed support emphasize listening, respect for self-definition, and avoiding prescriptive judgments about how someone “should” feel3. Online communities should strive to offer information, empathy, and validation without insisting on a single interpretation of complex, personal experiences.

Well-intentioned forums who cause harm

Reddit’s r/rape and similar forums play a role in supporting survivors of sexual violence, but they must also be mindful of the risks of secondary victimization. Giving full freedom to redditors who dramatize or rigidly label ambiguous experiences and banning redditors who avoid moral panic contributes to trasforming subreddits like r/rape in harmful echo chambers.

Digital Moral Policing: Foucault, the Iranian Morality Police, and the New Regulation of Sexuality on online forums like Reddit

Drawing on Michel Foucault’s theories of power, sexuality, and normalization, we can interpret the dynamics within subreddits like r/rape as a contemporary enactment of what he called “disciplinary power.” Foucault argued that power is not only exercised through state institutions but also through diffuse networks of discourse that shape what is considered normal or deviant. In these online communities, users collectively construct rigid moral boundaries-often labeling ambiguous or complex sexual situations with extreme terms (“It’s rape! It’s rape!”)-thus reducing nuanced human experiences to binary legal or moral categories.

This process closely mirrors the mechanisms of the Iranian morality police (Gasht-e Ershad), who enforce strict codes of conduct in public life, dividing behaviors into “permissible” and “forbidden” without space for ambiguity. Just as the morality police surveil and discipline bodies in public spaces, subreddit communities create a kind of digital panopticon: users monitor each other, internalize dominant norms, and enforce conformity through judgment and shaming. The fear of being ostracized or banned leads individuals to self-censor and adopt the prevailing discourse, even when it may not align with their personal experiences or perspectives.

Moreover, while the Iranian morality police rely on physical punishment, online communities often deploy symbolic punishment-public shaming, social exclusion, and reputational destruction-against those who deviate from the dominant narrative or question the rigid application of labels. This can marginalize dissenting voices, flatten the complexity of victims’ experiences, and transform support spaces into arenas of moral absolutism.

Ultimately, these dynamics reveal how power adapts to new technological contexts, regulating intimate life and sexuality not only through authoritarian regimes but also through seemingly progressive, peer-driven spaces. To counteract this “digital moral policing,” it may be necessary to foster moderation by trained professionals, create space for ambiguity and dialogue, and recognize the inherently political nature of sexuality-so that support communities do not become new instruments of control. Read more in my article The New Moral Police: Foucauldian Perspectives on Power Dynamics in Reddit Online Support Communities.

The Right Way to Respond: Respect, Nuance, and Support

The most appropriate response to questions like “Was it rape?” in online support communities is one that combines clarity, respect, and validation of the individual’s experience. For example:

“Sexual violence is complex, and definitions vary by country. I’m not a lawyer, but legally, consent requires a clear, voluntary ‘yes.’ If that was missing, it could be a violation. There’s a spectrum of experiences-from miscommunication or boundary violations to coercion, assault, or rape. Not all are the same, but all deserve to be taken seriously. Your experience may fall somewhere on that spectrum-and your feelings about it matter. You might feel hurt, confused, numb, or even nothing at all. All responses are valid. Only you can define what this experience means to you. If you’re unsure how it impacted you, talking to a trauma-informed counselor can help. You deserve support. RAINN.org offers free, confidential help.”

This response is correct because it avoids rigid or absolute judgments, recognizes the complexity and diversity of sexual experiences, and validates every possible emotional reaction-including the absence of distress. It respects the autonomy of the individual to define their own experience, while gently providing legal and psychological context. Most importantly, it encourages seeking professional support without imposing labels or minimizing the person’s feelings. Such an approach helps prevent secondary victimization, fosters a supportive environment, and aligns with best practices for trauma-informed care in online communities.

Some examples

We must decide whether we always want to rigidly apply morality and the law, or if we prefer to prioritize individual well-being. These two things don’t always align.

Example 1
A stranger steals money from your wallet. That’s theft. The person who took your money is a thief, and the best thing you believe you can do is report the thief to the police.

Now imagine the person who steals money from your wallet is your son. It’s the first time it’s happened. Is it theft? Of course. Is your son a thief? Technically yes, but I don’t know if you would label him that way. Your son, besides being a thief, is many other things to you. Would you report your son to the police? If you believe that morality and the law must always be applied, then yes. But if you want to prioritize the well-being of both you and your son, probably not. That doesn’t mean your son didn’t do something wrong. But if you prioritize your mutual well-being, you will talk to him, ask why he did it, and ask him not to do it again. You won’t go to the police. Is this wrong?

Example 2
Here’s a similar case involving sex:
https://www.reddit.com/r/sexualassault/comments/1kdxun7/had_sex_with_me_while_i_was_passed_out_rape/
A couple has been together for a while. One evening they are both drunk. They have sex twice, then fall asleep. While she’s asleep, he penetrates her again and tells her about it the next morning. She writes on the forum: “had sex with me while I was passed out .. rape?” Then she explains that he’s a very kind guy, he apologized, and she’s sad at the thought of losing him. What should she do? Most of the replies say: “It was rape! It was rape! Leave him!” — they favor strict application of the law. But will reporting her partner to the police or leaving him improve her well-being? Not sure.

A redditor replied to her:

Maybe instead of asking, ‘Is this rape?’, you could start by asking, ‘What do I need in order to feel safe, respected, and in control of my boundaries again?’ And from there, you can decide what kind of conversation, support, or distance you might need — not because the internet told you what to do, but because you’re reclaiming the power to decide what feels right for you.

And then:

So maybe the question isn’t ‘Am I stupid to forgive him?’ but rather: Can I feel safe with him? Can I talk about this openly and have my boundaries fully respected from now on? Can I trust that he’s doing the work to really understand what went wrong — and not just saying sorry because he got caught? Whatever choice you make, let it be one that honors your safety, your truth, and your right to decide what kind of love and respect you want in your life.

She replied:

thank you so much honestly. it is hard because since i’ve experienced sexual assault many times before & my ex would do that to me when i was asleep, i do feel like my judgement is clouded and i tend to downplay what happens to me in my head and make excuses for them. im going to have a talk with him about it in a couple days & go from there. you are extremely helpful i can’t thank you enough.

Example 3
Let’s imagine a variation, this time due to a misunderstanding or forgetfulness: a couple has been together for years, and from time to time it happens that he wakes up, starts caressing her, and then she wakes up too and they make love. The last time, he thought she was already awake (she had said a few words and participated, even if it was very brief). The next morning, he refers to the fact that they had sex during the night, but she doesn’t remember. Lately she’s been interested in this topic, and she feels disturbed by what happened and writes on r/rape with the same question: “Had sex with me while I was passed out .. rape?”
In your opinion, what would the moral police activists say?
“It was rape!” — followed by all the consequences: reporting to the police, the couple splitting up.

These are the kind of cases I’m referring to.

Feeling dirty after being raped
Being robbed is associated with feelings of anger and loss, but being raped is usually associated with much deeper feelings of shame and powerlessness. The r/rape forum is full of people who, after being raped, say they feel dirty.

When the case is ambiguous and/or happened many years ago and/or the person wasn’t initially traumatized, and they ask “Was it rape?”, do you think it’s more productive to prioritize morality, or individual well-being? Look at the next case.

Example 4
https://www.reddit.com/r/rape/comments/1kbu6w0/i_dont_know_what_to_feel_about_it/

i don’t know what to feel about it

i’ve been holding this story for so long just for the reason that i don’t know what to feel about it and that i feel like im to blame. my brother is only 2 years older than me and at the time i think i was about 10-12 years old, i started the first interaction talking about giving oral and he asked me if i wanted to try it, then we proceeded to do it. the second one was in the bathroom, back then we used to bathe together, he made me bend over so he can put it in and i kept backing out but he kept getting me to continue with it until i gave up and didnt move from where i sat. my friends told me that this was rape but i still doubt it even though i can see that its wrong. for some reason i cant feel sorry about myself and i wish the worst to happen, i wish i could forget about it, i wish i was brave enough to run away or to hurt myself. sometimes i dont even think im allowed to feel hurt i cant cry about it anymore im just so wholly disgusted at myself and i wish i can tear through myself to get away from my life. i hate how hes just moving on with his life while i marinate in my thoughts.

It happened many years ago, they were both around 11 years old. In your opinion, in this case, is it more productive to prioritize morality or individual well-being by avoiding labeling the incident as rape? Considering their age, from a legal standpoint it probably can’t even be defined as rape.

Overstate concerns

Sometimes this obsessive prioritization of morality leads people to ask things that, though rooted in genuine concern, seem to me a bit excessive or misplaced. Read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/sexualassault/comments/1kbpfv8/i_was_stripped_naked_at_the_age_of_9/:

Whas it sexual assault? I was stripped naked at the age of 9. Happens that when I was 9 years old or so, I had a shooting for some Ad. I did many before that, and it was a familiar environment already, so I knew what to expect. The scenes took place in a pool, so the use of a swimsuit was obvious. Parents were called to sign the contract at that moment, so my mom couldn’t come with me to the changing rooms. I was accompanied by two women from the crew. At first they wanted me to completely undress inside the changing rooms, but not inside a booth. The thing is, they finally took me to the changing booth and with the door open they made me undress completely. I was stripped naked in front of two grown women even after I told them I could do it myself. They insisted and then undressed me and put the new swimsuit on me, while having the door open, risking anyone else looking at me in that way. I’ve thought about it for years now, and I still think I shouldn’t exaggerate, but it still makes me feel ashamed. Do you all think it was justified? I’m not sure if could categorise that as unusual, or wrong.

A spectrum of consent violations

• Rape: non-consensual penetrative sexual activity
• Sexual assault: unwanted sexual touching or acts without consent
• Sexual coercion: pressure, manipulation, or intimidation to obtain sexual activity
• Boundary violations: ignoring expressed limits during otherwise consensual activity
• Miscommunication: situations where consent was unclear but no malicious intent existed

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